The Reason Why

~ my first Rebalancing session

For my first Rebalancing session with Mak, I’d expected a pleasant massage. I’d received many of those and trusted that because it was his hands on me it would be special, possibly erotic.

In that quiet room with the afternoon sun pouring in, I lay face-up on the table, my belly exposed. His fingers worked the long, rigid line of scar and up under the sternum. No one, ever, had touched me there like that. His touch gentle, firm, intentional. One lover years before, had run his tongue up the length of my scar and I loved him for that. But Mak wasn’t making love to me—he was asking my body what it was holding, what waited beneath the skin.

Thirteen years before, the surgery had been a success. I’d counted 10 – 9 – 8… and nothing but a moment of blackness before I opened my eyes. Afterward, the interns reported how the surgeon had lifted out my stomach and set it aside before slicing away the delinquent organ. I’d recovered quickly, resilient as I was at eighteen, resuming my full life without a spleen. I was healed.

Until Mak’s hands opened the portal to those distant hours when I’d been laid bare. My body remembered it all: the interns’ smug faces, their foul words, my belly split, skin pinned to my sides. I hadn’t floated in some heavenly fog. I’d never left. My cells bloomed open to reveal a terror I’d unknowingly held for so long.

Steady and patient, Mak brought me back, rocking me out of that cold, stark place and into the warmth of the sunlit afternoon. He touched my face, put his cheek next to mine, his soft blond hair on my skin. Covering me with a dark red blanket, he stayed close until my breath eased and tears dried.

Often, I’m asked what inspired me to take the Rebalancing training; why in particular I chose this form of bodywork. This is the answer.